User talk:Shadowwitch99
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:15, January 6, 2015 (UTC) Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the User:Shadowwitch99 page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:41, January 6, 2015 (UTC) The story had a number of issues that reduced the overall quality of the story. Wording issues. ("I can remember blinding lights hitting by (my) eyelids...", "“You (sic) wife has… I’m sorry to say this, but she died two years ago.", "Today I get to skip conditioning. I don’t know how I’m managing to keep from giving in, but I am an (and) that’s all that matters.", " I’m going to spend today palling (planning?) my escape.", etc.) I would also advise against starting sentences with conjunctions like: but, because, and. It is not grammatically accepted and has a tendency to give a story a disjointed feel. Capitalization issues. "the late Lisa Gardner (nee (six) Abbot") I assume you meant Nee as a name or possible Anne? Punctuation issues mainly involving misusing commas and forgetting to add question marks onto questions. "But (see above) if that was true, then how am I to know this is real.(?)", “How are you coping since you became a resident here.(?)" Periods missing from some sentences. "and the contents grow progressively more disturbing as the journal continues(.)" I would also avoid using ellipses in place of a comma or period. It comes off as a bit melodramatic and seems gimmicky. A comma or period serves the same purpose without the "dramatic pause" connotation. Story issues. The diary format does not fit very well in the story. To start with, how did he get the materials to compose a diary and why is he writing all this when the likelihood of it giving away his escape plans is pretty high? You additionally start at entry one with the protagonist waking up there, but make mention of a previous escape attempt. As no entries are missing, this comes off as odd. Why didn't he write about that escape attempt? Finally, the story seems a bit schizophrenic, pardon the pun. It seems like you wanted a story about a man coping with the loss of his wife and then tried to shoe-horn some supernatural element in at the end. You make a brief mention of him seeing something in the corner of his eye in entry one, but you really don't address the hallucinations until entry 8. This gives it a 'tacked-on' feeling to the story as there is little to no allusion to them in the entries before. I would suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop as they are good at catching these errors. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:55, January 6, 2015 (UTC)